Review: Cool as Ice (1991)

It was Thanksgiving break. So I decided that I would rent a whole slew of old movies and chime in on my $0.02. The reason I chose to sit through this one is kinda odd. I never bothered with it when it came out, and I never bothered to rent it until now. Why waste the money? Well, I was given a new CD last week. It was supposed to be a joke. However, I really enjoyed the heck out of the CD. So what was it? Well, it was the new Vanilla Ice CD...and it is awesome!!! There, I said it. I ain't gonna lie. It is a good disc. So thus I remembered all the old music, all the old jokes, and some movie. Uh-oh! I gotta watch that movie I never saw.

So here it is, my review.

Golly, what do you know? It sucks...bad. I would have preferred an "YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENTER A WORLD OF PAIN" warning before the movie opposed to the FBI one. The pain I am referring to is the pain you get in your gut and ribcage from laughing a wee bit too much. Not because of comedy aspects of the movie, but rather it was the most laughable excuse of a movie I have ever seen.

So, the big question: Can Vanilla act? HA!!! Not even close. He did more acting in his TMNT 2 cameo than this entire movie. Vanilla Ice plays Johnny, a young, rebellious white rapper (go figure) who, with his band, rolls into a small town because one of his band member's motorcycle breaks down. So while stuck, bad-boy Johnny falls for good-girl Kathy. Kathy (Kristin Minter) is a straight A student, but is completely unaware that her family is part of a witness protection program. When some old thugs see her father and herself on TV, said thugs seek revenge for what happened to them. While Johnny and Kathy pursue their romance, they have to deal with Kathy's parents, her ex-boyfriend, and those thugs who kidnap her little brother.

It is a very stupid movie, and very stupid story, and a very stupid choice for anyone to have attached themselves to this movie. It was obviously made to make money of of Vanilla Ice's popularity at the time. We get to see Vanilla Ice rap, dance, beat up people, win the girl, and save the day. David Kellogg directs this crap terribly. Awful stuff. How he landed the 'Inspector Gadget' gig, I will never know. Being how this is his only major previous experience, he must have suckered someone. However, I do believe people make mistakes, and should be given a chance to redeem themselves. David Stenn wrote this horrible movie, and happily never worked in Hollywood again (that I am aware of). What was he thinking. If I HAD to of written this movie, I would've at least TRIED to make something at least somewhat passable out of all this. Note: I could've done better if it were me writing this and I was only 14 at the time this was made.

The concept of this movie hasn't gone away to this very day. We have all sorts of musicians making movies. From good ones by the likes of Ice Cube and Ice T, to horrible ones by that dreadful Master P. As for Vanilla, his new album "Hard to Swallow" rocks. I just hope he doesn't get too big again and try another movie.

Grade: Doesn't even rank!

P.S. here are some of my favorite quotes from the movie by Vanilla Ice...

"You hit pretty good for a girl".

"She's that girl who drives the horse"

And lest we not forget:

"Drop that zero and get with the hero."